General
by heartlessviking
written by heartlessviking
I know no other word for it, because I am dancing with destruction, without doubt. Yesterday I reached a point I walked off the job, and I wanted very much to keep walking to something else, nearly anything else. Then my wife cried, and so now that escape route is cut off. It’s melt before fail. Let’s talk about melt before fail, because it was an actual engineering principle once upon a time. The idea was that a computer, rather than shutting down when reaching a critical malfunction, would instead keep running. Even if it caught fire, or melted the contacts.
There’s something undeniably macho about the whole thing, and also frivolous and wasteful, but that’s what being a man is all about these days.
So now I am staring down my own demons, my failing brain, my failing body, and accepting the apparently unavoidable collapse. It is of course entirely avoidable, the people in my life could accept my rational resistance and allow me to make a new plan. They don’t, because for whatever reason this is the hill they want to see me die on. I’m not coming back, that’s for damn sure. Last time I was told that my health and life had value, and now I see how hollow those words were.
I am a piece of construction equipment, of no outside value apart from my ability to earn money and achieve at my career. This goes against centuries of theology and philosophy, but that’s post modernism; a great big middle finger to the concept of higher values, and of humanism.
I keep going back to the last collapse, the time just before and after. I had a dream, and that dream became my reality; that the world had ended, and I was a survivor. Now I wonder what horrors in contrast had to exist for that to be preferable…. pretty much where I am right now. I probably won’t remember this, and that’s what I’ve been saying any time someone asks why I am talking about it. In event of collapse, this part will be locked away for years at minimum, possibly forever.
My rational mind cannot accept the world I’m living with. Which is apparently an acceptable casualty. People have to buy stuff, otherwise how does the sham perpetuate?
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3 comments
Sbilko7/18/2022 - 5:58 pm
Hi Heartlessviking, I hope you’re doing well; I’m glad you have a wife, cherish her, it’s a wonderful blessing, an immense helping hand in times of sickness or need, be it you or your parents. Gently wipe her tears and hug her and comfort her as you would like to be loved & comforted ^^,
You left your job as electrician? And what about your dreams of buying land. Farmland to secure passive income or build freely? Btw in Canada I read there’s “unorganized territory” land, in which one can build anything one wants, no legal obligations stopping one from building a hut or having to pay for sewer connection, I could share a link to it if you’re interested.
I’m interested in buying drip irrigation for my grandpa’s farm so he (or I in the future) wouldn’t have to work as hard.
Melt before shutdown… Whenever I am physically required to go to some place when I feel hungry, I’m reminded of the game Project Zomboid, and I don’t like it. Like my father, I just am attracted to an easy life; but Burce Lee said pray not for an easy life but for strength to endure a hard one.
Still, don’t push yourself until burnout, it’ll reflect on your health and you won’t like it. Is the achievement of the financial goal worth it, especially in the case of superfluous additional income? We’re no machine, we’re a human being who benefits from good sleep, rest, and care by our loved ones.
I can summarize every joy in the world, in having children, whether blood ones, or adopted, or even spiritual children. Whoever accepts a child, accepts the future, because this child is the future, is our future hope, is what we leave behind. We don’t leave behind houses which burn down and are temporary, but rather eternal Souls which lovingly remember us.
People don’t need much: food, water and shelter, beyond this things become a bit superfluous when taken towards approaching luxury. Of course it’s beneficial to work, or to fulfill goals. I’m not motivated to plan or build much because I see End Times prophecies being fulfilled and I feel a bit afraid. But one shouldn’t be afraid, not even when it comes to securing food, water and shelter, since life is so much more than these.
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heartlessviking7/18/2022 - 8:56 pm
today I didn’t go to work again, for a different reason, but the attitude remains similar; more important things to do in this life sometimes than a stupid job.
I plan on returning tomorrow, not long left on this project and hope springs eternal that the next gig will be better.
we’ll see how things go. My boss says he’ll work on getting me a raise, and away from the coworker who I find so toxic…. my trust is pretty raw about the whole thing. I’ve yet to work under someone capable of keeping their word.
still, I’m trying to make it work. Feeling very apathetic about the career path/future of the thing, This is just where I am right now. I might keep at it, or I might walk away and try something else. Who’s to say? I’m a leaf on the wind, or more accurately a plastic bag in the wind; not worth chasing, somewhat sad and whimsical. still, you do occasionally find folk who chase plastic bags in the wind, perhaps someone still cares.
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Sbilko7/19/2022 - 3:10 am
Hi, it’s nice to rest for a day every now and then. After all, the alloted rest days don’t stack. my father did all year only 6 hours, now they’re trying to squeeze from him missing hours through 8 hour shifts, let’s hope the year ends before they can ^^,
I hope you get the rise and find peace away from disturbance
Yeah, work is just to fulfill one’s base needs. Yesterday I heard how much my grandparents had worked when they were younger, incredibly much, grandpa sometimes slept 2 hours, between farm work, a conventional job and a workshop shop. my grandparents worked a lot and were able to pay for their daughters’ higher education, which is great and gives off fruits. Everything we do revertebrates, even their critiques mirrored on their daughters.
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